How a thing such as a person or a mother can come magically into being and then someday so utterly be gone uncontactable even in the slightest manner is unreal, my mother died aged 54 we had a pretty bad relationship and I dont feel depressed I just feel a little deader/blanker that is all, and that deadness means I know im closer to the edge myself now, parents whilst living even when you theyre located elsewhere and not in good relations, hold that off from us for a while, like some kind of subconscious vangaurd or buffer against the impending fixated stare toward the grave.

theres nothing definite – except death