Business and wooftah language

how is it that half the business in britain seem to be thriving of the inadequacys of government departments ? no wonder the defecit is so high were paying to many people to do to little, ineffectively and with no real export or growth to show for it, piling more on the national debt is not economic growth. Sadly so much of language today in business seems to be full of pretense and air as if noone can talk straight ?

take this add for job at marketexchange, ive highlighted in bold my favourite gobbledigook expressions, and in bold italics are my comments.

My client is a leading global technology company with an invested interest in aerospace & defence.

‘ie leaching money from the taxpayer sometimes for science sometimes to develop tools whose ultimate objective is to better murder other people’

They are currently looking to appoint an Internal Comms Manager to roll out a number of projects across their Info Services and Tech Solutions Divisions.

The overall purpose of the role is:

Advise(‘talk shop‘), plan (‘sit at a desk‘) and execute (‘ask some subordinate to make those below him to stand on one leg as this will make everything better ?’) communication strategy and implementation for Info Services and Tech Solutions Divisions, supporting Group Engagement Strategy.

Key Accountabilities
* Work with Change Control Manager in developing and implementing the overall internal communication and engagement strategies(‘convince the lower order staff to believe in the bullshit proposed by talking types‘)
* Develop the division’s internal communication and engagement plans (‘repetition see above‘) in line with Group engagement strategy(‘repetition see above‘) to support the sectors’ drive for improved business performance and customer focus.
* Advise the division’s executive team on communications to ensure that messages are clear, consistent, and aligned with the Group strategy and consistent with overall corporate messaging(‘ie a unified and totalarian regime in which everyone is on song, which make the business more effective / successful, a general principle which business aspire to, that isn’t actually enhanced by just imagining it to be the case‘).
* Review effectiveness of existing channels and activities (‘by the time you read that sentence several times you know its the kind of expression that will eventually cause you to leave the job 4 years down the line for farming something tangible like chickens‘)
* Establish and manage communication channels or activities such as localised business brief; Roadshows; sector-specific publications or bulletins; Intranet pages etc ensuring consistency with wider corporate communications.
* Plan and coordinate ad hoc communication initiatives or campaigns for significant events.(‘thats a boast in which the company thinks that what its doing is somehow magically relevant to human existence‘)
* Liaise with HR to prepare and deliver consistent communications and activities to support HR activity
* Provide content/news updates to the Internal Communications Executive(‘we talk so much about so little in so many obfuscated ways, that only really boring pointless people wish to be on are panel of self enrichment‘), for broadcast to wider UK employee audiences.
* Input on design and development of range of measures including employee engagement survey(‘repitition‘), from division’s perspectives. Responsible for communicating engagement surveys across divisions; working closely with the HR Directors and HRBPs to analyse and action results.

The ideal candidate will meet the following criteria:

* Self starter with high personal drive
* Outgoing and engaging, active networker able to build and maintain relationships
* Thrives under pressure and able to manage multiple tasks
* Flexibility to think strategically and act tactically
* were looking for a messianic figure who can use flannel like business dogma language so well it emerges as tangible pellets from his arse ?

This is a great opportunity to develop your career within an internationally renowned organisation. Due to the structure of the organisation there is also scope to manage projects and implement programmes across other areas of the business.(‘wow flatter yourselves ? im sure that in a months time I shall probably despise everyone im in a meeting with, i’ll know the various ties in there wardrobe collection and i’ll have learn’t to hotdesk in a standup cubicle overheard by every other pointless fucker in this business ? and cowtow in the extreme to the mystical psychopath that lies at the heart of this distributed ghost, created by the insane confluence of psychologys of those sad fuckers who unconsciously conjure its immiorality into existence, by there very employment in it.‘)

For more information or to apply please contact me direct on 02070254448 or email

For more PR & Comms opportunities follow us on twitter@Xhangeteam or head to our brand new website

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